| life |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|03:10 am] |
while i piddle my life away, everyone around me is getting better, changing for the best. i remain the same. tonight i'm bothered so much by it that i can't sleep. i live a mediocre life, and it eats me. i hate it.
i have one thing to be proud of. one. that's it. nothing i do is worthwhile, and nothing i do is benefitial. i'm nothing more than average..
if i'm the world to someone, why do i feel empty? i feel like i have no meaning in life, no direction...i feel...lost. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2006|02:46 am] |
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why is nothing i ever do good enough? im such an idiot...someone kill me please. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|11:29 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | kind of perfect - armor for sleep | ] |
"Kind Of Perfect"
can i just be something
somewhere in your room
that you wont notice
maybe ill be paper
or books thrown on your floor
move me when you want to
ill live where you put me
in your VCR
if i become a cassette
or on top of your computer
if thats where i would fit
then so be it
but things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
i will not say one word
ill just hang around
i wont annoy you at all
when you move out ill stay
until im thrown away
but then it wont matter
things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
because
things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let somethings go
i promise to stop now
to stop now
i promise to stop now
to stop now
but things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
things cant be perfect
all the time
that i know
sometimes we just have to let some things go
letting go is my life
ill be on my way |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 9th, 2006|11:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my town - armor for sleep | ] |
so...i dont know. im feeling really...weird. like not myself. i feel so far away from everyone, and i feel like im losing touch with who's important to me. i...i dont know what to say or do anymore. nothing i do is ever good enough, and i get ridiculed for it, from my friends, family, and even total strangers. i dont know what to do.
i want to live again, thats what i want. i want the ability to go back and choose again. i want my decisions to be based on experience, not what's easiest. im a bigger loser than everyone may think. i havent talked to my friends in forever, i havent talked to my family in forever. i havent done anything important or useful lately...im just a big loser. simple as that. i want to go back and change it all...but seeing as that's not possible, i dont know what to do. i wasted so much, and iv become so little. im sorry world, iv let you down.
i dont even know what to type now. if you guys read this still, even after my lack of updates and junk, im sorry. im sorry that im so sad all the time, im sorry that i havent talked to any of you in forever. iv realized that iv pushed everyone away, and tahts not what i need. but...something tells me that i wont change. iv tried that, and i cant do it. im a loser, nothing can change it. im sorry to...lets see...morgan, cuz i havent been the friend i need to be for you. you were like..the best ever and i havent made any attempt to contact you at all. sorry to...jazzy, for almost everything. im fading from you, and your friendship is something i value, but, like normal, i fucked it up. im sorry to...joe, because...well, i havent been a good friend. i really havent. sorry to lil miss jen, who has been nothing less than a perfect friend to me...im sorry that i didnt embrace it more and see the usefulness in it. bryce, sorry i didnt take ear to your advice on things, and sorry that i havent kept in touch. sorry to cressa actually...you're a fun kid and i havent done anything to even begin to get to know you as the person you are. i just made assumptions and kept my distance, and nobody deserves that. to richelle, you were always so supportive of me and such a good friend, sorry... sorry to everyone that i forgot, but im still not done.
sorry to anna. anna, you'v been nothing less than what i need in a friend, but i fucked that up too. im sorry i havent been there for you, im not even sure of whats going on in your life. i see all these journals involving other people and things of the like, but havent seen anything from you in awhile. im sorry that i made you be there for me, then hung out in the back of the room while you suffer. you deserve better.
especially sorry to melissa. you're my joy, and i feel like iv ruined it. every time you talk, i listen, i really do. i enjoy hearing about your life, your little suprises, you in general. but i still feel like i screwed that up somehow. you wouldnt feel the way you do if i were a good boyfriend. i really miss you, and i really wish you'd call or something.
im an idiot, if anyone made it to the bottom of my stupid post, dont comment on it saying that "oh itll be ok, everything's ok" because its not. its not ok to neglect those close to you, and thats exactly what iv done. i miss every one of you guys and i really hope you'll forgive me, but the truth is that i dont deserve it. i deserve just what i gave you: neglect. i deserve no more, and for this im sorry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|02:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | not the same - the used | ] |
the unfamiliarity of the wetness on my face is something new..
im not worth it, i dont deserve a second chance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2005|02:43 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | this place is s prison by the postal service | ] |
heh, just spilled my guts into 4 pages of a journal. most of it's about a few things, some's about one thing, and the rest is just me rambling. blahdeblah. enjoy your days everyone |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 6th, 2005|02:24 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | dont look back in anger by oasis | ] |
waiting on laundry to get done, bored out of my mind...hehehe
i forgot how good of a song "dont look back in anger" is...i think im gonna listen to it again.
OJE has his headphones up sooooo loud...he's gonna go deaf by..tomorrow, i swear, its insaaaaaaane.
anyway, slept a lot again today, and tomorrow i get to do the same, cuz i dont have class til 1:10! hoooooraaaaay, and also, uh...i was gonna type something but i forgot. im watching some crazy ass action movie, i think that its resident evil or something, but im not entirely sure. its a weeeeird movie, iv been watching it for a few minutes..lol
uh...what else OH i played majora's mask for awhile today, that was friggen awesome! like...you have no idea...goooood gooooood!
i think thats it. ill talk at whoever reads this later in the..uh...week
OH just in case anyone cares, hehe, this has been damn near the worst week in the history of me. YET i cope with it well enough. a lot of stuff went down and a loooot of things went wrong, plus i have had a few realizations, and its insane that im doing so well. meh, i went for a walk on monday, out in the cold at like 3 am, that was neat. right, im done |
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| i'm back |
[Oct. 4th, 2005|05:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pirate | ] |
| [ | music |
| | mercy me by alkaline trio | ] |
guess what guys...im back!
i decided, for those of you that care about my life, that some should know about the antics of christopher.
slept good, long, and hard today, right through my alarm...right through my classes and everything. lame-sauce. good thing i didnt need to go to any of them...cept chemistry...lol lol lol
anyway...i cant sleep (still) and i just had a nice chatsy with a good friend, so im in a decent mood. i love talking to my true friends, though i usually have to call them. meh, whatever, its a part of life i suppose.
mah fingahs are cold...ew..
pah, im done...happy trails, hunting, and lucky-charms |
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| winds |
[Sep. 27th, 2005|07:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sadie by Alkaline Trio | ] |
They're here..the winds of change. I'm tired of being the butt of every joke I hear. I'm tired of always being the one laughed at. I'm tired of authority always yelling at me. I'm tired of..well, me.
I'm changing..if it's for the better is up to you to decide. |
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| just another f*cking day |
[Jul. 4th, 2005|06:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | open your eyes by staind | ] |
thought i had plans, guess not. whatever.
lately, iv been feeling like i lost something. feeling like something's missing. like...im not whole anymore. its really weird, and my dad breathing down my back at work and at home doesnt help, neither does anna threatening to end our friendship every chance she gets, neither does...well, a lot of things. i just feel...empty. i dont feel like talking to anyone for the first time in..well, a long time. i feel like i did, there's no mistaking it.
but if im so miserable, why am i still taking it?
...whatever. im leaving soon anyway. i really hope that someone's going to miss me, i dont really care who. for right now, i feel like no one will, and no one does.
i think that im going to start another lj, and not tell anyone about it, and just write EXACTLY what im thinking and feeling, because im hoping that will help. maybe not, but maybe. its like having someone...well something...there to talk to, and it has to listen, because i made it.
im either a giant asshole or a really nice kid. i think i demonstrated both in the last 2 days, but i cant really tell for the nice one. you'd think that eventually karma'd catch up with me and reward me for something. or kick my ass. prolly the second one, but that doesnt matter. it just seems that my only marketable skill is to occupy space.
with that, im going to go try to convince my parents that i need to go out driving, cuz im probably going to sit at home for the 4th, just like pretty much every other day. so independence day is like every other day.
...whatever... |
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| motorcycle sex extreme caution |
[Jun. 30th, 2005|07:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sick little suicide by the matches! | ] |
ha! im getting tan...lol woot!
right now, however, im peeling...eww...
TONIGHT...im ordering my new computer...'s gonna be SWEET! lol anyway...im done...im thinkin so. heh see yall latah! |
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| he fights you with a paddle...and wins..."DRAGON UPPERCUT!" |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|07:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | cut up angels by the used | ] |
welp...im tired.
and bored.
and...stuff.
i work too damn hard for my money. all you bitches saying that mcdonalds or the vidyo store is hard work, SHUT UP OR ILL KILL YOU. wood is heavy stuff, and my dad's a tough man. plus its out in the rain.
heh, if anyone wants to do anything this summer, call me at home. get the number from someone else, im home and ready to do stuff at like 4:30 ish, pretty much every weekday. |
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| HA! you DO have a concience! TAKE THAT ASSFACE |
[Jun. 21st, 2005|11:11 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
uhh...sorry i havent updated in forever, but iv been sick and busy, but mostly sick.
yes i do have mono, just in case you're ignorant, or nobody said "ew, chris has mono" around you. i have NO IDEA how i got it, but let me tell you, it is TERRIBLE. sore throat, achey body, fever, headache ALL THE TIME. no fun. its kept me from work for 2 days now, but yesterday i could hardly move because i ached so much. today's better! woooooot! i might go running today if my grandma'll let me. AND I AM GOING TO WORK TOMORROW NO MATTER WHAT.
mono is a little scary at times, like...my tonsils are so swollen that if i let my head down, i cant breathe at all and i could suffocate myself. scary, specially since i always sleep like that. eww...i could die from this, stupid mono...
uh...yea i got nothing else. i REALLY wish that i could be liked by everyone, but not being liked by everyone ISNT gonna keep me from getting/having what i want. understand? even if you hate me, im not gonna give up. if you dont know what im talking about, forget it. its something worth standing up for, even if it means standing up to you.
and im done. have a good day everyone! |
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| f-in b~! |
[Jun. 15th, 2005|08:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hold me down by MCS | ] |
im DONE wit school, DONE with work, done with just about everything...crazy~!
i beat the hell out of tim at risk twice today. first time, just barely, but i CLOBBERED HIM the 2nd time. 1st turn: i had north and south america. 2nd turn: i had europe and africa. 3rd turn: i killed off most of his guys, and i could have finished them off, but i just killed the gray guys, cuz that was my mission. fun!
after that, i went...where did i go? somehwere...then i came back and me and neil played magic cards...lol woooot. i have a deck (sadly) and we played 4 games, and my deck is REALLY old, and i won 3 of the games! go me!
uh...last day of work! wooooot!
and also, just cuz i got "tagged"
Things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play. What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list of 7, post it to your journal... and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it to theirs:
1> my friends
2> music
3> driving aimlessly
4> NOT being home
5> sometimes just walking alone at night will calm me down
6> making this face: >X(
7> fresh air
who to tag: of those who havent done it as far as i can remember:
>cressa
>meg
>hunter
>anna? (i dont remember if you'v done it)
>jen! |
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| AHH!!! |
[Jun. 14th, 2005|10:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | destination: nowhere near by the matches | ] |
GODDAMNIT YES. today had been the longest day ever.
a lot of shit happened today, and i got sad a lot today, but its finally over. finally...
at work, it was my 2nd to last day. dustin decided that he wanted to leave early...so he made me clean out the oven. doesnt sound too bad, but it hadnt been cleaned in like 3 months and we use it for EVERYTHING. when i was done, i had 5 rags completely black, and i could have rung out blackness from the METAL wire brush i used. overall, i went thru 3 of those brushes, a can and a half of oven-ex, and 2 hours. i worked my ass off but we still got done a half hour late. it was horrible. i was done with dishes at 6...we dont usually finish till like 7. it was crazy, but not fast enough. the oven was TERRIBLE and the oven racks were TERRIBLE too.
overall, a shitty day. coulda been better. but am i still smilin? yea..i have to, i only have like 6 weeks left...
peace out you guys, have a good night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2005|09:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | like im missing an eye somehow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | make out kids by motion city soundtrack | ] |
hey, after 4 today was sooo fun! i went to mohgan's and he followed me to my house. he came...we played POKEMON CARDS. YES. he beat my ass, then i beat his. THEN we played risk, i totally kicked his face in...
btw if anyone wants to play risk, i will. im totally up to a challenge...plus i like kicking ass..
anyway, then we ate dinner, and then we went to my room. we played worms 3-d, then JET FORCE GEMINI. so old...then we went farther back in time, playing WWFvsNWO REVENGE...the lamest wrestling game EVER. soooo goooood. tehn came goldeneye. rocking! i killed mohgan with remote mines. im the MAN with them, but im not that great without em...its like a double-edged blade. or more like...remote mines and not. yup.
so im done, have a good night yall. its sooo monday tomorrow.
OH i almost forgot, mohgan let me borrow his MCS cd and it totally rocks. i second the opinion/order to BUY IT. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2005|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | perfect teeth by motion city soundtrack | ] |
well, yesterday was fun. highlights:
>i got root beer floats in 2nd period.
>we saved a bird...well, kinda. it was runnin and tripping a lot and we caught it and took it to mrs penoyar, who said it's prolly a fledgling...meh, 'twas fun anyway, and it was a cool bird, i named it fish
>i dressed up like a F*CKING cowboy...so cool. my spurs clanked on the ground whenever i walked anywhere...so good!
today, well...i worked. then i walked with ashley..it was pretty fun. jason the crazy redhead bugged us for awhile, it was cool i guess. then i went to the airport to get my grandma. cool? maybe.
immona just say...since she's here, there's just another person around to ignore me because my niece and nephew are here. much younger, much cuter, much more energetic.
...woot. |
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| hmm.. |
[Jun. 9th, 2005|09:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  gloomy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | its been awhile by staind | ] |
im in a weird mood...like a "spill what you're feeling" mood...so here goes...
i am TIRED of putting a lot into something and getting next to nothing back. its been my way of life, and it tears me up. really.
im tired of the lying, im tired of the sneaking, im tired of abandon-ness, im tired of AOL, im tired of...well, just about everything.
no matter what you all may think, i pour my heart and soul into everything that i do that i care about. i try soo hard, and i put sooo much energy into it. it may mean sacrificing a lot of stuff, but somehow i feel it'll be worth it.
...lately it hasnt...
example: work. i have worked at alpine way for 2 years, 2 months, and 26 days. wednesday is my last day. i worked hard just about every day for that time, and what do i get out of it now? a final paycheck and a kick out the door. people ask me if im really leaving, and i tell them yes...so they just say "hmm" and walk away. no "why" or "ill miss you's"...just hmm's. i thought that people noticed that i work hard everyday, but i guess not.
i guess whatever. im so used to working hard and getting ABSOLUTELY nothing in return, but im tired of it. i put soo much time in, and i never get anything out of it. im not just typing about work, im typing about a lot of stuff in general. i honestly pour my heart, my sweat, my tears, my dreams, my hopes, my soul essentially, into so much just to be crushed in the end. and im tired of it.
no more pushing me around. im gonna do what i want, when i want. some of you may notice a change, but thats only because im underappreciated. i dont mean to toot my own horn, but i work hard, and im tired of being the only one.
ah fuck it, im leaving soon anyway, right?
...i just dont know what to do. i do so much and get so little, its...almost embarrasing. it hurts...so much. it makes me feel like...lets see if i can describe this even close to how it feels.
it feels...like i work hard to make things good, but the things i work hard for tear me open, bleed me completely dry of everything i have inside me, sew me up with thrift store bought thread and a needle they found lying outside their house, decide that's not enough, so they punch a hole in my chest in an attempt to tear out my empty heart, but miss...a few times, so they keep punching til they find it, then it's thrown on the ground, stomped on a few times, then spit on, while i watch and try to cry, but i can't because ive been bled dry of tears already.
i think thats the closest im gonna get, but still its not close. it tears me up. my insides are an emotional battlefield that hasnt ended yet, and im running out of troops. its sad, and true.
bottom line: I HATE WORKING HARD FOR NOTHING.
thank you, and have a nice night |
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| decked out an' noplace to go... |
[Jun. 8th, 2005|10:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | modern chemistry by motion city soundtrack | ] |
uhh...i have nothing to write about y'all...its weird, so ill just quote some lyrics...lol
And all our sins,
Come back to haunt us in the end,
To hang around and tap us on the shoulder,
And smile silent,
It's all implied,
You'll die trying to live this down,
You might as well forget it,
Still I'm convinced,
Wondering what if is the worst thing there is,
So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be,
And all these lines fall short of what I had in mind,
A failed attempt to capsulize a feeling,
So I just try,
Fail and try and try again,
Someday I swear I'm going to get it,
Because I'm convinced that giving in is the worst thing there is,
So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be,
We'll get over it,
Sad, strong, safe, and sober,
We'll move forward,
And know where we went wrong,
But you can't go home again,
You can't go home again,
You can't go home again,
You can't go home again,
You can't go home again!
You can't go home again!
You can't go home again!!!
So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be.
yesss....such a good song...
anyway, i guess today was fun and good. i worked til 9, but i slacked off and did almost nothing the entire night. TAKE THAT WORK!! HAAHAHHAA...
uhh...yea thats it, have a good night all, ill talk to you tomorrow, unless you're stalking me, then ill kill you |
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| OMFG MOST AWESOME EVER |
[Jun. 7th, 2005|10:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  like a cat-lemon baby!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | one-eighty by summer by taking back sunday | ] |
so today in cage was like the best day in cage ever.
EVER.
we were sitting there, she told us to read. but today was different, cuz like nobody read. we all just kinda sat around and talked. i was talking to steven and somehow frau decided to say "go play the space game". so me and steven did. we just kinda air threw stuff at eachother and then i won somehow. that was fun!!...also, we discussed journal entries. then lunch.
after lunch, she decided to go over the homework from the night before. i was called on for letter g? and it was the one where i had to give an example of the want chain. i referenced bill and ted, and the wyld stallyns, and it rocked. HARD.
after that...we were told to get into groups of 4 for a skit thing. we picked our group, it was me, micah, mike, and peter...but the rest of the class couldnt decide...SO frau decided to line everyone up and draft us into groups like that. of course, my group protested...it was SOO cool, cuz we screwed up her counting like twice, then calea cussed out jesse, which was funny, and frau threw her out. peter then said "see what you get for numbering us off?"
once she finally got us numbered off...we all snuck to different groups. she decided that she miscounted...and then she GAVE UP. MY HARDASS GERMAN TEACHER GAVE UP. it was the coolest thing ever!!! like..there was a cosmic shift in the universe or something...but i liked it!!
anyway...me and anna talked for like a half hour today, but i dont think it helped much. well, maybe a little. i explained a little, but it wasnt quite where i wanted to get with a conversation. anna, i want you to know that i do miss you, and all it takes is a phone call and me doing nothing to have me come over to hang out. im still sorry about that one day. it was MY fault, and...well im sorry.
uhh...thats it. CAGE was ssooooosoosoososososo funny!! |
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